March Articles Online
Bonus Article:
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Russian Roulette
There may be good odds, but that one shot is a killer
"My name is_____
and I am an alcoholic" This introduction
is used throughout the world in
various AA meetings every day, but
what does it mean? The phrase has
changed meanings many times for
me through the years.
"My name is Clark and I am
an alcoholic." I initially uttered this
phrase at my first AA meeting; it
Russian roulette
EMOTIONAL SOBRIETY
There may be good odds, but that
one shot is a killer
was January 2, 1985. What it meant
to me at that time was "I am not a
good drinker." With this definition
in mind, the answer for me was applying
such phrases as "Don't drink
no matter what." "Remember your
last drunk." And most importantly,
"Don't drink one day at a time." As
a bad drinker, I saw no reason for all
the "God stuff." I felt I could stay so-
ber by lots of First Step meetings and
willpower. I made up my mind to go
to meetings and ignore the twelvestep
program. The Fellowship is full
of many folks with just this sort of
plan. Planning to attend twelve-step
meetings with no intention of ever
working the Twelve Steps, we are not
always a hotbed of mental health.
I applied the bad drinker definition
for nine months. I did not drink,
but I sure wanted to. Every day was
a battle. It was me versus alcoholism,
and alcoholism was edging out
all the common sense reasons not
to drink. The urge to drink was almost
overpowering at times. I hung
in there by using a combination of
willpower and Fellowship power.
On Sept. 1, 1985, the phrase changed
meanings drastically. I guess I went
to one meeting too many.
After the usual, "My name is
Clark and I am an alcoholic," I explained
my alcoholism as an allergy
to alcohol. My allergy prohibited me
from successfully drinking. Another
newcomer shared that it was more
than an allergy; he shared about his
many attempts to stay stopped from
drinking, and his many failures. A
thought crowded into my mind. It
proclaimed, If I were a reasonable
man, I would have quit drinking
at age 15. I was 15 years old when
I first quit drinking "forever." The
circumstances are not important,
but that particular drunk included
two fights, lots of vomit, and riding
atop a jackass. "Forever" lasted
about two weeks, and then I came
up with a plan to enjoy and control
my drinking.
My drinking was the
Russian roulette type of drinking. If
foolish enough to play Russian roulette
with a pistol, you have a six to
one chance of hearing a "click" upon
pulling the trigger. Good odds, really.
But the one shot, that is a killer.
My drinking was like that. Lots of
good times, but every now and then,
I turned into a blacked-out lunatic.
Upon awakening, I would swear
off "forever." The longest "forever"
was one month; generally "forever"
lasted a week or two, always starting
with a new plan to control and
enjoy my drinking. I was the type
who could do one or the other, never
both. If I was controlling my drinking,
by counting drinks and such,
I was not having a good time. If I
was really enjoying drinking, all
bets were off as to what was about
to take place next. I might have a
good time, or I might have one of
those mornings where I kept telling
myself: I was just dreaming; maybe
I was just dreaming; I wouldn't do
that. My in-and-out type of blackouts
were terrifying.
They tell me that for normal
drinkers, alcohol is a depressant,
and I guess that it's true, but not for
me. For me, alcohol was a form of
rocket fuel. When blacked out, my
mind went blank, but my body was
still able to achieve all sorts of activity.
A live body without a functioning
brain is not a pretty sight. I was
a violent, mean, blacked-out drunk;
prisons are full of guys like me.
Back to that meeting in September
1985. After mulling over
the thought, If I were a reasonable
man, I would have quit drinking at
age 15, a second thought occurred: I
am powerless over the first drink because
I am insane. Up to that time,
I thought of being powerless over
alcohol as being powerless to stop
after the first drink, but that is not
in line with our founders' definition.
The truth is I was unable to stay
stopped because of an insane urge to
drink. I was insane. My quitter was
in fine shape; my starter was defective.
I was powerless before the first
drink. Suddenly my arrogance left
me. I was insane. Deep down where
it counts, I knew that I would drink
again if I did not change completely.
Meetings would not suffice; I had to
have a power with a capital P.
Realizing I was insane was the
greatest thing that ever happened
to me. What difference did it make
what I believed about God's existence?
I was insane; my opinions
were worthless. That night I prayed
"God, I do not believe in you, I cannot
conceive of you, but if you are
real, please send an angel or something.
I cannot go on like this." An
intense feeling rushed through me. I
had found my creator.
The next day I got a sponsor. His
name was "Waiter John." John gave
me the best outlook I have ever heard
in AA. John told me, "Our textbook,
the Big Book, is the only instructions
AA has on how to recover and stay
recovered from alcoholism. Everything
else you hear or read is advice.
Feel free to take or discard the advice,
carefully follow the instructions, and
you never have to drink again."
Carefully following the instructions
laid forth in the first 164 pages
changed the phrase "My name is
Clark, and I am an alcoholic" immensely.
During the first few years
that I worked the Steps and stated,
"My name is Clark, and I am an alcoholic,"
what I meant was, "I have
a terrible disease, but as diseases go,
it is better than most." Alcoholism
was my cross to bear; life was OK,
certainly better than the drinking
years, but only OK. Problems were
still problems, and sometimes life
sucked. I could not drink.
As time passed (24 years and
counting), "My name is Clark, and
I am an alcoholic," began to have its
current meaning. I now mean that I
am blessed to have an illness requiring
a spiritual solution. It is alcoholism
that keeps me focused on my
source's will and allows me to live an
abundant life. I no longer have problems,
only challenges.
I respect people who live in accordance
with sound religious/spiritual
principles out of goodness, but
know that I am not one of those people.
I am of the type who must have
a dark shadow behind me in order
to force continual spiritual growth.
Alcoholism is my dark shadow, and
I am grateful to have it. My choice is
a simple one: struggle with God, or
struggle with alcoholism. By struggling
with God, (trying to live the
program's basic principles), I have
not had to really struggle with the insane
urge to drink since I completely
gave myself to AA's simple program.
A lot has happened since I first
uttered the phrase "My name is Clark
and I am an alcoholic." I joined the
Army in 1986 and served as an Airborne
Ranger and a Green Beret. I
married a great woman in 1988; we
met in AA and celebrated 21 years of
marriage last January. I retired after
22 years of military service and am
now working as a contractor in Victory
Base Camp, Iraq.
In my years of service, I have always
known that the AA program (1st
164 pages) goes wherever I go. With
the advent of the internet, I can now
take the AA Fellowship along also. I
am blessed, no doubt about it.
To the newcomer: It all starts
with "My name is________, and I
am an alcoholic."....
Clark W.
Carter, Okla.
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