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  • Russian Roulette

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Vol. 66 No. 10

Russian Roulette

There may be good odds, but that one shot is a killer

"My name is_____ and I am an alcoholic" This introduction is used throughout the world in various AA meetings every day, but what does it mean? The phrase has changed meanings many times for me through the years.

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"My name is Clark and I am an alcoholic." I initially uttered this phrase at my first AA meeting; it Russian roulette EMOTIONAL SOBRIETY There may be good odds, but that one shot is a killer was January 2, 1985. What it meant to me at that time was "I am not a good drinker." With this definition in mind, the answer for me was applying such phrases as "Don't drink no matter what." "Remember your last drunk." And most importantly, "Don't drink one day at a time." As a bad drinker, I saw no reason for all the "God stuff." I felt I could stay so- ber by lots of First Step meetings and willpower. I made up my mind to go to meetings and ignore the twelvestep program. The Fellowship is full of many folks with just this sort of plan. Planning to attend twelve-step meetings with no intention of ever working the Twelve Steps, we are not always a hotbed of mental health.

I applied the bad drinker definition for nine months. I did not drink, but I sure wanted to. Every day was a battle. It was me versus alcoholism, and alcoholism was edging out all the common sense reasons not to drink. The urge to drink was almost overpowering at times. I hung in there by using a combination of willpower and Fellowship power. On Sept. 1, 1985, the phrase changed meanings drastically. I guess I went to one meeting too many.

After the usual, "My name is Clark and I am an alcoholic," I explained my alcoholism as an allergy to alcohol. My allergy prohibited me from successfully drinking. Another newcomer shared that it was more than an allergy; he shared about his many attempts to stay stopped from drinking, and his many failures. A thought crowded into my mind. It proclaimed, If I were a reasonable man, I would have quit drinking at age 15. I was 15 years old when I first quit drinking "forever." The circumstances are not important, but that particular drunk included two fights, lots of vomit, and riding atop a jackass. "Forever" lasted about two weeks, and then I came up with a plan to enjoy and control my drinking.

My drinking was the Russian roulette type of drinking. If foolish enough to play Russian roulette with a pistol, you have a six to one chance of hearing a "click" upon pulling the trigger. Good odds, really. But the one shot, that is a killer. My drinking was like that. Lots of good times, but every now and then, I turned into a blacked-out lunatic. Upon awakening, I would swear off "forever." The longest "forever" was one month; generally "forever" lasted a week or two, always starting with a new plan to control and enjoy my drinking. I was the type who could do one or the other, never both. If I was controlling my drinking, by counting drinks and such, I was not having a good time. If I was really enjoying drinking, all bets were off as to what was about to take place next. I might have a good time, or I might have one of those mornings where I kept telling myself: I was just dreaming; maybe I was just dreaming; I wouldn't do that. My in-and-out type of blackouts were terrifying.

They tell me that for normal drinkers, alcohol is a depressant, and I guess that it's true, but not for me. For me, alcohol was a form of rocket fuel. When blacked out, my mind went blank, but my body was still able to achieve all sorts of activity. A live body without a functioning brain is not a pretty sight. I was a violent, mean, blacked-out drunk; prisons are full of guys like me.

Back to that meeting in September 1985. After mulling over the thought, If I were a reasonable man, I would have quit drinking at age 15, a second thought occurred: I am powerless over the first drink because I am insane. Up to that time, I thought of being powerless over alcohol as being powerless to stop after the first drink, but that is not in line with our founders' definition. The truth is I was unable to stay stopped because of an insane urge to drink. I was insane. My quitter was in fine shape; my starter was defective. I was powerless before the first drink. Suddenly my arrogance left me. I was insane. Deep down where it counts, I knew that I would drink again if I did not change completely. Meetings would not suffice; I had to have a power with a capital P.

Realizing I was insane was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. What difference did it make what I believed about God's existence? I was insane; my opinions were worthless. That night I prayed "God, I do not believe in you, I cannot conceive of you, but if you are real, please send an angel or something. I cannot go on like this." An intense feeling rushed through me. I had found my creator.

The next day I got a sponsor. His name was "Waiter John." John gave me the best outlook I have ever heard in AA. John told me, "Our textbook, the Big Book, is the only instructions AA has on how to recover and stay recovered from alcoholism. Everything else you hear or read is advice. Feel free to take or discard the advice, carefully follow the instructions, and you never have to drink again."

Carefully following the instructions laid forth in the first 164 pages changed the phrase "My name is Clark, and I am an alcoholic" immensely. During the first few years that I worked the Steps and stated, "My name is Clark, and I am an alcoholic," what I meant was, "I have a terrible disease, but as diseases go, it is better than most." Alcoholism was my cross to bear; life was OK, certainly better than the drinking years, but only OK. Problems were still problems, and sometimes life sucked. I could not drink.

As time passed (24 years and counting), "My name is Clark, and I am an alcoholic," began to have its current meaning. I now mean that I am blessed to have an illness requiring a spiritual solution. It is alcoholism that keeps me focused on my source's will and allows me to live an abundant life. I no longer have problems, only challenges.

I respect people who live in accordance with sound religious/spiritual principles out of goodness, but know that I am not one of those people. I am of the type who must have a dark shadow behind me in order to force continual spiritual growth. Alcoholism is my dark shadow, and I am grateful to have it. My choice is a simple one: struggle with God, or struggle with alcoholism. By struggling with God, (trying to live the program's basic principles), I have not had to really struggle with the insane urge to drink since I completely gave myself to AA's simple program.

A lot has happened since I first uttered the phrase "My name is Clark and I am an alcoholic." I joined the Army in 1986 and served as an Airborne Ranger and a Green Beret. I married a great woman in 1988; we met in AA and celebrated 21 years of marriage last January. I retired after 22 years of military service and am now working as a contractor in Victory Base Camp, Iraq.

In my years of service, I have always known that the AA program (1st 164 pages) goes wherever I go. With the advent of the internet, I can now take the AA Fellowship along also. I am blessed, no doubt about it.

To the newcomer: It all starts with "My name is________, and I am an alcoholic."....

Clark W.
Carter, Okla.

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